Time for an Update

Life continues on here in the Cape Verde islands. The sun rises and sets here the same as it does anywhere. We can be sure of one thing - each day will begin and each day will end. Everything else is up for grabs. In fact, I am struck by the unpredictable nature of life lately. To use a silly example that comes to mind, the other day as I was walking down a side street, a monkey jumped from a tree at me. I instinctively jumped backwards. Needless to say, I wasn't expecting a monkey to jump from a tree.

And I was feeling so relaxed before that happened.

Later that same day, things were going along quite smoothly when my last class - all 40 of the students - got quite roudy and (one kid in particular, who, incidentally, is 20 years-old and in eighth grade) began mocking something I said. I erupted and dismissed the entire class and managed to throw the 20-year-old's notebook in the hallway in the process. It is difficult to articulate how frustrating it is to live in another culture where you encounter so many rude, ignorant people - and many of my kids truly don't know any better, with no father in the house, sometimes no mother, little education, no manners, and most of them have never been out of Cape Verde (heck, some of them have never been out of their hometown). If you have the image of Africa as a place where kids walk miles to school because they want to learn so badly, that is not the case here at my school on the island of Santiago - in fact, my school has more in common with a tough inner-city school in the States than it probably does with many schools in Africa.

It is difficult for me to be mocked every day - which I usually am in some way, sometimes by an adult, sometimes by a high-schooler, sometimes by a child (in school, in the street, in the market). This in spite of the fact that my language skills have improved considerably, though they are still a bit rudimentary, and that I try very hard to smile and be kind even when I am exhausted and on the verge of tears.

Add to this my strange physical problems and some of the other ways my body seems to be manifesting stress, and there are moments when I really feel as if I have hit my limit and am on the verge of a breakdown. After dismissing the class yesterday, a Cape Verdean teacher I like and respect told my colleague - Katia - that the stress wasn't worth it for me - that I should just go back to America if the stress was affecting my health, because the kids we teach are disrespectful and rude. And honestly, many of them will never learn English anyway. So in many ways what I am doing here is a fool's errand.

I have never had any illusions that it wasn't a fool's errand, but I knew that in some way I would be changed through this experience - and so while I would never change the world, I might be changed, which, in effect, changes the world. Yet nevertheless, the teacher's words - delivered to me second-hand - keep ringing through my ears: 'it's not worth it.' I am not sure if he is right or not. Moment by moment, I change my opinion. But the obsticle I cannot get past is this - so far I have been changed, but not for the better. Should I really leave a place that has, thus far, made me more cynical, angry, defensive, and hurt, rather than compassionate, forgiving, loving, and easy-going?

Being mocked by others so regularly here for my fool's errand - and please don't interpret the following comparison as me having a Messiah complex, but rather me relating my experiences to my faith - I cannot help but think of Jesus, who faced derision to an unimaginable extent, yet prayed in his last moments, 'Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.'

Oh that I had such strength of heart and character. When I get punched in the mouth, I usually just want to punch back. I suppose that is as natural as the rising and setting of the sun. And quite likely the root of all our problems.

Better But You Know

My odd physical symptoms are a bit better - nevertheless, if your´re the praying kind, please keep me in mind. Tonight, I am sitting in front of a flat screen computer, checking email, in a large house on the Atlantic Ocean. I am about to eat dinner with a German dance troupe from Berlin. Strange but true. By the way - I am not in a position to comment on the German educational system, but I will say this: I have never met a German who does not speak passable to very good English.

More soon.

I wrote a small article for my friend Cara, an editor, about my Peace Corps experience thus far. I did not think much of it, but the Peace Corps posted it to its Facebook page and I have received quite a few wonderful emails as a result. For anyone redirected here from the article, welcome and thank you for your interest.

Thank you for the kind encouragement - I have received some wonderful notes and messages from some of you on this blog and in my personal email. I am very thankful for them. It is so good to be supported, even if from far away. I am understanding more and more the mysterious nature of things and how everything really is, in a rivers under the earth way, very much with us. Which means, you are very much with me, so perhaps not so far away at all. John O'Donohue - a priest and poet and scholar who died too young - has been very helpful here. Vanessa recently sent me 'Anam Cara' by O'Donohue and it has had a profound effect on me. I believe that is the correct spelling - 'Anam Cara.' (or is it 'Amam Cara'?). At any rate, it is Gaelic for 'soul friend.' O'Donohue has really reawakened me to the mystery of the world, which is one of the real gifts of Celtic Christianity.

If I had to recommend a few books that might change your life (they truly changed mine), they would be:

Anam Cara
Everything Belongs
Let Your Life Speak

Long Road

It has been a long time since I've posted - for that, I am sorry.

I have had some strange health problems - burning in the hands and feet and some slight twitches and tremors - that are hopefully just stress related, or the result of a pinched nerve. It is a fairly common experience amongst development workers and medical students to imagine that something is seriously wrong with them.

Pray that nothing is.

The good news is that I will be coming home for Christmas. I was not planning on it, but I think that physically and emotionally, it will be a very good thing for me indeed. It is a very gracious gift from my parents and the trip is not easy. I fly from Cape Verde to Lisbon, from Lisbon to London, from London to Washington, D.C., and from Washington, D.C. to Detroit. Now that's international.

As things at times appear easier here, the medical problems and my worrying about them has perhaps sent me backwards a few steps. There are times when I feel wonderfully, swimming out into the deep waters of the Atlantic on a calm, crystal clear Sunday. There are other days where I stare at my hands, wondering if they are shaking more than is normal, and then down at the dirty floor of my bedroom, thinking of the hundreds of students I must teach that day. In those moments, I wonder if I am on the verge of a breakdown.

I guess this experience really tests your mettle - or at least it is testing mine.

All the Rain and Mail

Rainy day here - the past few days have been rain, though I understand that any and all precipitation will stop soon. Then we can expect about six months of drought. Believe it or not, sands from the Sahara blow across the ocean and onto our shores in the early winter, which adds to the 'desert island' feel that this place has for much of the year. But for now, green and rain.

On another note, some have asked how to send packages or letters. If you do not have my address, it is below. Mail does not go to my house, but rather to a post office where my school picks it up. The address is as follows:

Escola Secundaria de Chao Bom
Cameron Conant, Professor de Ingles
Tarrafal, Santiago, Republic of Cape Verde
Par Avion - Air Mail
Via Portugal

Things are getting more difficult at school - paperwork, in-depth lesson plans, nights spent worrying if the kids are learning anything (and if I am teaching them the correct information) - and soon I have to begin writing tests. I am still getting acclimated to my surroundings and find myself with a lack of energy. I am sure I do not spend as much time lesson planning as I should or doing the Peace Corps paperwork that I from time to time am asked to do. But each day gets a little more manageable, even if it does at times seem like my progress here is three steps forward, two steps back.

Thinking of the Weather

Another one of those 'what am I doing here?' days. Feeling a bit disjointed and sad despite the heroic efforts of loved ones and friends to call, send packages, and the like. I am so thankful, and so fortunate, and yet there are still moments like these where I still feel a bit 'woe-is-me' despite the fact that I chose this experience. Emotions can be powerful indicators of what is happening to us, but they can also be like the weather - they come and they go, like clouds drifting through the sky.

I just wish I was drifting through other skies today. Yet perhaps I am homesick wherever I go.