A Way to Spend a Thursday or Every Day

I'm about to go deep-sea fishing----er, deep-lake fishing---with my cousins and brother.

We'll be looking for salmon in the deep waters of Lake Michigan.

I love Nashville, but I really love this.

The dark blue skies.

The sand.

The pine trees.

The clear water.

The unspoiled, lazy rivers.

This northern lake that looks like an ocean.

This place I've always known.

Reflections on Self and Family

I was thinking the other day about how each of us plays a very particular role within our families. This hit home on Friday when an aunt of mine came and sat next to me at my sister's wedding reception. One of my best friends, Rob, was already at the table talking to me when my aunt arrived. Moments after falling into a chair, my aunt smiled, shook her head and said, "Can you tell this guy to lighten up and not be so hard on himself," gesturing toward me.

Rob looked at her with big eyes, unsure of what to say.

To Rob, a conservative Calvinist pastor at a Bible church in rural Michigan, I was anything but too hard on myself. Rob and I went to college together, and he knew me from my improv and stand-up comedy days when I was always up for a slightly off-color joke, or a trip to Canada where you could drink as a 19-year-old. Rob now knew me a boisterous Episcopalian who read Richard Rohr and drank whiskey and planned to vote for Obama and thought the Gospels were more reliable than the rest of Scripture because they contradicted themselves.

But to my aunt---an intelligent and confident CEO with progressive politics---I was the same quiet and sensitive boy I had always been; the responsible kid who looked out for his younger brother and sister. The same boy who, when he made a mistake, felt terribly and sulked or disappeared for a while. To my aunt, I was now a fundamentalist evangelical Christian who was always afraid of dropping the dishes; a boy who had a confidence problem and was perhaps ensnared by a small world view---a monastic in the making, ready to flail himself for any mistake or perceived mistake.

The rest of my family might not view me this way, but my extended family certainly views me as the quiet one who slinks off to bed early, or reads quietly in the corner. And this is sort of my role in my larger family---and it's tough to slough off your role---while interestingly, my brother is the boisterous comedian I was in college and still often am in my life outside of my family; he's the life of the party who goes to play pool at a pub when I'm going to bed.

The fact is, I am the quiet, sensitive boy with evangelical sympathies reading in the corner. And I am also the loud stand-up comedian who is sometimes obstinate and confrontational and occasionally full of evangelical antipathies. In the end, the world is always more complicated than we give it credit for.

We are too.

Rambling Entry Fit for a Blog

Wireless Internet is hard to come by here in the Northern Hinterlands. But I'm in the sales and rental office for the woodsy beach resort community that my family has been coming to for over three decades, and they have it.

Not only do they have wireless, but they also have really good coffee and overstuffed couches and a pretty nice view of a pool made of dark rock. It's early Sunday morning here and the sun is still straining to make its way over the tall pines and leafy trees that surround this Lake Michigan resort; a place that feels like home.

I came down here to check email and finish up a writing assignment, but posting a blog entry seemed a good way to delay finishing up that writing assignment. And besides, I've been really inconsistent with my posting lately, and I don't like being inconsistent---though I guess one could say that I'm consistently inconsistent.

But now I'm confusing myself.

So my sister married Zach near Lansing, Michigan on Friday evening and the wedding was beautiful. It's weird to have your little sister---8.5 years younger---get married. But I was very happy for her, and she looked beautiful. Her husband Zach is a great guy too and he's also a great dancer, which he proved at the wedding reception. I'd always heard that he could breakdance, but I saw it with my eyes on Friday night. He did the centipede. I mean, really did it.

The wedding was at a large inn/ bed & breakfast with sprawling grounds and a large river. Alissa got married outside around 6 p.m. near the river, and the sky was almost cloudless and the weather was warm and dry. I was in the wedding party, along with my brother, Christian, his wife, Lesley, and several of Zach's brothers---all younger, and all handsome guys who belonged in High School Musical---and my sister's friends from college. I was the oldest wedding party member by about six years, but strangely, I didn't feel too weird about that, though perhaps I should have.

So last year, my brother gets married in an elegant affair in D.C./ Maryland, and this year, my sister does the same in an elegant affair in Michigan, and well....gosh, where is this all going? Am I going to soon become the pathetic older brother of whom people only timidly ask every year or two---"so, Cam, are you dating anyone?"

Maybe one day I'll be able to say yes.

Until then, I have things to write.

And sunrises to watch.

Wedding/ Vacation Update

Quick post to say that I'm somewhere near Lansing, Michigan in a hotel, awaiting my sister's wedding on Friday. Rehearsal stuff tonight, dinner, etc. Then on Saturday, it's onward to Northern Michigan and my family's mystical vacation spot. By the way, the air here in Michigan is incredible. I had forgotten what it felt like to not be miserable in the summer. It's like sticking your head in an oven in Nashville; here, more like sticking your head in the fridge.

Peace to you.

Cameron

Bad Dream

I'm scrambling to get ready for Michigan today.

And there's so much to do---especially as it relates to my writing assignments.

Yet I'm completely exhausted.

I got to bed late last night and then had this bizarre dream---nightmare really---that I re-married my ex-wife. I can't imagine what sparked it. I don't want to speak ill of her, but I was so relieved when I woke up. So relieved.

I'm not even irritated that my eyelids feel like bricks right now.

Or that my left knee hurts.

I'm just happy to be awake.

One More Thought for a Thursday

I'm off to BJ to write---lots of deadlines to hit in the next six days---but I wanted to share this thought first:

We usually behave our way out of self-hatred. If you despise yourself---if you call yourself "bad"---then the best advice I can give you is to stop doing things you despise. You typically don't need a better self-concept. You typically need new ways of behaving and dealing with stress. Because what you're doing now isn't working. It might feel good in brief moments, but it isn't working. If it was, you wouldn't be awake at 2 a.m., crying yourself to sleep.

Peace to you today and godspeed as you head towards Love.

Cameron

Father's Day

My friend's dad recently had a stroke, and so my friend is in town for a few weeks, helping out.

I saw this friend last night and we sat on my porch, drinking beer, talking.

My friend said that you're never really prepared for the moment when you have to feed your dad, or help him go to the bathroom. And I think he's right about that.

We might cognitively know that this will happen some day, sort of like we cognitively know that we're all going to die, but it's a different thing altogether when the moment arrives and you're looking at the man who gave you life lying in bed, helpless as a baby. Suddenly the child becomes father to the man.

Suddenly the child becomes the man.

Sign of the Apocalypse: Farms in the Sky

This is for real.

Bastille Day: Freeing The Prisoners

Happy Bastille Day.

Jesus Stuff

Okay---I really debated whether or not to post this.

For one, I'm generally not big fan of DVD curricula for churches, and two, it's a promo for a company that I will not say anything ill about, but a company that I'm not exactly going out of my way to help these days either (pray for me). However, all that being said, I really like Dan Kimball. I don't know him super well, but take my word for it: Dan is a really wonderful, quirky guy with a great heart who looks like a punked-out version of Max Headroom.

And he used to play in a rockabilly band.

Dan's rockabilly days are behind him. He's now an author and pastor in Santa Cruz, Calif., and he is, in my opinion, a very humble guy who has never sold out---even if he is being duplicated for mass consumption in a DVD curriculum.

I stumbled across this video for the curriculum and must admit that I thought it was pretty well done---especially because Dan actually knows the people he's interviewing, and unlike a lot of "cool churchy videos" that try to show "cool-looking" people doing "cool things" like "working on Mac computers" or "drinking coffee," Dan actually is cool, and the video doesn't look too forced. Maybe a little in places. But not too much---at least for these types of videos.

Unlike some in the evangelical world, Dan's books and projects seem to come about because of something he's learned and wants to share with people---not because he had a three-hour brainstorming session with a marketing firm.

Mostly I post this because Dan is great---he's one of the Good Guys and someone I call a "bridge-builder"---and I think he brings up some really interesting and important topics in this short video. Enjoy.

By the way: Love the guy who says, "People who should be taken out back and shot." Ha! Very good, very funny.

Dialogues with Silence

Allie bought me a beautiful book called Dialogues with Silence for my birthday, and it features poetry, prayers, and journal entries from the Trappist monk Thomas Merton, all alongside sketches that Merton made. Well, I wanted to share with you something that I encountered in the book today while lying on the couch after church, reading.

Let me preface this with two things. For one, I've always found Merton disquieting in the best possible way---ironic for someone who lived such a quiet life. And secondly, in keeping with any Merton that I've read, I find the following quote both inspiring and slightly perplexing, uncertain if I fully agree with it or not. Whatever the case, I like it.

"O Lord, how joyful and happy must they be who, when they come to consider their own selves, find in themselves nothing remarkable whatever. Not only do they not attract attention outside themselves, but now they no longer have any desires or selfish interests to attract their own attention. They remark no virtues; they are saddened by no huge sins; they see only their own unremarkable weakness and nothingness but a nothingness that is filled obscurely, not with themselves, but with your love, O God! They are poor in spirit who possess within themselves the kingdom of heaven because they are no longer remarkable even to themselves. But in them shines God's light and they themselves, and all who see it, glorify you , O God!"

--Thomas Merton

Thank Yous and Reflections on Turning 31

I had a wonderful birthday yesterday and I'd like to thank everyone for their kindness---from my parents and siblings to friends like Allie, Shelby, and Anna (the three of them collectively organized last night's party).

Anna hosted the party at her house, and Rory, Jeff, Sara, David, Shelby, Dustin, and a number of other friends and acquaintances attended. Allie and Shelby bought me a steak from Whole Foods and marinated it in this amazing Jack Daniel's sauce, Anna made her famous raspberry cupcakes, Sara made cookies, Shelby bought a chocolate cake, and Anna as always provided many other items to round out the food selection, including a great pasta salad.

I received a bottle of Syrah from David, a gift certificate from Rory and Anna to a Nashville clothing store, clothes and an intriguing memoir from my parents, two fascinating books and a bottle of Jack Daniel's from Allie, lunch earlier in the day courtesy of Jeff, and Belcourt gift certificates from Sara and Kenny (and breakfast this morning).

That's a ridiculous number of gifts. I'm not worthy---I'm really not---but thank you. All of you. Many of you also called and texted yesterday, or sent me encouraging emails and e-cards, so thank you as well. It did not go unnoticed.

My birthday night ended with Rory and another Nashville musician named Rick Seibold playing guitar and singing around a fire pit in Anna's backyard, which was really wonderful, especially considering the fact that Rory and Rick are both so talented. I felt as if I should've paid them for playing, but I think they enjoyed it as much as I did.

After the music, the heartiest of us---Rory, Sara, Anna, Shelby, Allie, Rick, and myself---retired to the tents that we had set up earlier that evening in Anna's backyard (Rick actually slept out under the stars). It was the inaugural meeting of the "Urban Camping League," and it was a hot and steamy one (you've never experienced humidity until you've lived in the South in July---or in a rain forest). In fact, the UCL charter might have to be amended to make the urban camping season between the months of September and November and March and May.

Shelby had never slept in a tent, and she resisted the idea of sleeping on the ground. She actually started fantasizing about her comfortable bed at home and threatening to sleep there, but I told her that this was a fork in the road moment; a decision between becoming old by opting for a bed, or staying young by sleeping in a tent in the backyard. It seemed like more than a joke when I said it, too---the choice between becoming old or staying young, that is.

For me, that choice is less about the fear of getting physically older---though it is a concern (to my chagrin, I noticed my first facial wrinkle a few weeks ago)---and more about the fear of getting spiritually and mentally older. And what happens then? When fear overtakes us? When we stop doing anything interesting? When anything out of the ordinary becomes "child's play" or something reserved only for "the young"? I never want to get old in that sense. I never want to lose my enthusiasm for life or to be unwilling to try something different or be silly or learn a new skill.

Yet sometimes I feel as if I've already failed failed in that regard.

I noticed an undercurrent of sadness all day yesterday. Not only because I'm now 31 and increasingly aware of how fragile and transitory life is, but also because it's been so long since I've felt anything deeply; so long since I've been excited and open and vulnerable and at peace with myself and the world. And I sensed something was missing at my party, and it had nothing to do with the food or decorations. In some kind of "rivers-under-the-earth" way that I can't fully explain, I sensed that my friends and the universe weren't really open to me because I wasn't open to them.

Maybe that sounds super "New Agey" and weird---and I'm sure there must be Christian terminology I could use to make that a bit more palatable for those of you who find that sort of language off-putting---but I really mean that.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've really felt anything these past seven months: Darci's wedding ceremony, communion at church a few weeks back, when I saw an ex-girlfriend at Fido in January (wrote a poem about it), and yesterday, listening to the Amos Lee song, "Colors"---particularly the line, "when you're gone, all the colors fade when you're gone, no New Year's Day parade, you're gone, colors seem to fade."

I also thought yesterday about the people who weren't at my party---people I care about who couldn't be there for one reason or another, either because they didn't want to come, or because they really couldn't make it. I thought about people I used to be particularly close to but have failed in one way or another due to my own insecurities or arrogance or lack of steadfastness. I thought about how fragile the bonds of community are---how one day we're surrounded by multitudes of people, seemingly loved, but the next day, when we need someone to pick us up from the airport or someone talk to, we come to the sober realization that there are really only two or three people we can call.

This is the great tragedy of life---the fact that when the party's over, most of us live, and die, quite alone.

"Bless His Heart"---Jesse Jackson Just Doesn't Get It (Do I?)

And so it begins.

Or ends.

Jesse Jackson---the civil rights leader who courageously stood by Dr. King in his quest for racial equality, and less courageously whispered (with microphone on) that he'd like to "cut (Barack Obama's) nuts off" because Obama had the audacity to challenge black men to raise the children they've fathered---recently offered something of a mea culpa for his comment about Obama, though not really. After all, Jackson still says that Obama's message to black voters must go beyond a "moral challenge." Yet, conspicuously, Jackson has rarely---if ever---issued any sort of a moral challenge to the black community, which has been in something of a crisis when it comes to fatherhood.

Jackson's comment can "kinda/ sorta" be explained by Obama's speech on race several months ago, a speech in which Obama discussed the generation gap that exists between those who have suffered the extreme indignities of legally-entrenched racism (Jackson), and those who have grown up in an environment where such indignities---while still present---have been mostly invisible (Obama), and mostly repudiated by anyone with a conscience and a brain.

Jackson has been an important figure in certain circles, and has probably done some good beyond his partnership with Dr. King, but it seems to me that his anger---while sometimes justified---has led him to seek answers that have often been mere Band-Aids for the wounds and challenges of racism, and have even more often been divisive and therefore counter-productive to his goal of making the United States a more equitable society. I am not black, nor have I ever been treated as less than a full human being because of my skin color---and I can't imagine the kind of anger and hurt I would feel if I had been---but without forgiveness, it seems quite likely that we will forever jump to the wrong conclusions and seek the wrong approaches to difficult problems, even if we have noble goals.

I believe that we must never strive for "the accomplishment of a thing" unless we first consider "how a thing should be accomplished"; I believe that we will never see the change we desire in the world without first embodying that change ourselves---things Dr. King understood perhaps better than any of us. And things Jackson would do well to remember.

"If I speak in the tongues of...angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal."

--1 Corinthians 13:1

9 July

I'm about to sit down to coffee and pancakes with Rory. I enjoy these sorts of mornings, especially because my lease is up in a few months, and who knows how long this all will last. But for now it's great to have such a good friend living in the same duplex. I don't take it for granted. I haven't taken these two years for granted.

Plenty to do today, not the least of which is to clean this place up a bit. Things are looking particularly shabby around here---clothes everywhere, a kitchen table full of CDs and bills and papers and notepads, floors that need cleaning, trash that needs taking out, etc. And yet I have plenty of interviews to plow through and albums to review, so I'm not sure when I'll get all that done. And I'm trying to stay cool while using the least amount of energy possible, so I pray it's not quite as hot today. Yesterday felt like Morocco.

Nothing to Say

I'm working on a couple of interesting articles at the moment that I can't talk too much about, but hopefully will be able to at some point. Lots of interviews for those over the next few days.

I'm also excited about my sister's wedding in late July, and the subsequent vacation to Northern Michigan that I'll be taking with my extended family. I haven't been to Northern Michigan in years, but it's where my family has vacationed since I was a baby, so needless to say, there are lots of wonderful memories there.

I also got my passport photos the other day and hope to send my application off sometime today. I got the renewal application from the post office last year and I'm just now taking care of it. I know none of you are shocked.

Dinner on a Budget

Sorry to gush about Joel Stein again, but does any one else think he's as funny as I do? Here's his latest article, a piece in which he attempts to make a family dinner for $10 with help from a celebrity chef.

There are several laugh-out-loud moments here---even some helpful information.

Barack Interview with RELEVANT

Cameron---the other Cameron, as in Cameron Strang, publisher of RELEVANT magazine, and the guy who published my first book and publishes articles that I occasionally write for his magazine---conducted an interview with Barack Obama recently and just today posted it on RELEVANT's website. Check out the interview here. I have yet to finish reading it, but I was excited that RELEVANT scored the interview and wanted to let you know about it.

Living and Dying

As I was reading last night, I came across this quote from Viktor Frankl, the author, psychiatrist and concentration camp survivor who died in 1997 at the age of 92. Write this quote on your hand, your forehead; put it on your fridge, lock it in your brain. And remind me of it from time to time. I think it's that important.

"Live as if you were living for the second time and had acted as wrongly the first time as you are about to act now."

Or put another way: life's transitoriness is a "reminder to make the best possible use of each moment of our lives."

Book TV? I'm a Nerd

I'd like to put in a plug for Book TV on C-SPAN.

I realize that's super nerdy---sort of like promoting a Star Trek convention, but it's absurd the number of things you can learn (or re-learn) from the authors on Book TV. This is one of the reasons that I think it's so sad that newspapers are eliminating Book Review sections left and right. It's only been within the past year that I've come to love reading book reviews---not for their high-minded criticism, but for their synopses and overviews of books and the fascinating histories, psychology, people, and places those books explore.

I have the same fascination with Book TV, though to my knowledge, it's not being eliminated anytime soon (whether you know it or not, a portion of your cable bill goes to pay for the C-SPAN channels). I admit: visually, this is not fascinating television. It's usually some frumpy academic in ill-fitting trousers talking to 50 people on a Tuesday night at a Barnes & Noble in Minneapolis. So believe me, if you're not naturally curious, or if you have a quick remote control trigger finger, you'll blast past it and never come back. And I want you to know that I understand this. I do.

But if you just turn the channel to Book TV and keep it there while you're reading a book or magazine, and then look up after about three minutes or so and force yourself to listen for at least 90 seconds, you might just be hooked. Or not. But you might be. Here are some of the recent topics/ events/ people discussed on Book TV:

--The founding of the telegraph
--Cornelius Vanderbilt
--The War of 1812
--Harriet Beecher Stowe
--The American educational system
--Ralph Ellison
--The Federalist Papers
--Abraham Lincoln
--The history of cartography
--The American Navy